Jokes
If anything here offends you, I cordially
invite you to go away...:)
A man and a woman are driving down the highway, having a horrific argument about his infidelity. The
woman gets so pissed off that she leans over and cuts his dick off and throws it out the window.
Behind them is a car being driven by a man with his 12 year old daughter in the passenger seat. The
dick hits the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. The little girl says "Daddy, what was that?"
Father doesn't want to say anything sexual to his young daughter, so he says, "Oh, honey, that was
just a bug." Little girl thinks for a minute, then says, "Oh. Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
Where can you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Nothing. He won't come anyway.
What did Mr. Spock see when he looked in the toilet bowl?
The Captain's Log.
Man runs into the house, shouting, "Honey! Honey! Pack your bags! I won the
lottery!"
Wife responds, "Oh, my God! Should I pack for the ocean, or the mountains?!?!?"
Man says, "Who cares? Just get the fuck out."
A blonde is walking down the street with one breast exposed, when a cop comes up and points it out.
The blond looks down and exclaims, "Oh, my God, I left my baby on the bus!"
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs,
juice, and a package of bacon. As she was putting her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk
man standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier. The drunk said, "You
must be single." The woman, a bit startled, but intrigued, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing
nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how on earth did
you know that?" The drunk says, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The
parrot said to her, "Hey lady, boy, are you fucking ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her,
"Hey lady, boy, are you fucking ugly." She was incredibly pissed now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, boy, are you fucking ugly."The lady was so
pissed that she went into the store and said that if the parrot ever said that to her again, she would sue
the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure
the parrot didn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called
to her, "Hey lady."
She paused angrily and said,"What?!?!?!"
The parrot winked and said, "You know."
Guy walks up to his wife with a duck under his arm. Says: "This is the pig I've been fucking."
Wife says: "You idiot, that's not a pig - that's a duck!"
Guy says: "I wasn't talking to you."